Bearing the Weight of Mental Illness: A Story About Schizophrenia

When I was 10, I was first introduced to schizophrenia from the movie, The Soloist, a riveting film about a musical prodigy with schizophrenia, Nathaniel Ayers. It featured Robert Downey Jr, which is the main reason I watched it. In all honesty, the film scared me. He was so talented, how could that happen to him? Why would that happen to him? What if that happened to me?

What if that happened to me?

When I was 12, I was put in a children's hospital. I had a long going battle with my first psychotic episode and my parents, being parents, put me in CHOC. I can't possibly be in here. There's literally nothing wrong with me. They're wrong. There were a lot of kids there, but me, still having my first episode, ignored them. I would not talk to anyone, not even my concerned parents, and especially doctors. I remember the distinct feeling of the paranoia, the feeling that they were going to hurt me, in some way, and so I became selectively mute. I had problems with hygiene, temper tantrums, eating issues, delusions, and overall degradation, mentally.

Finally, after 3 weeks, I was let out. I went home, but nothing really changed. I was still not showering, I still didn't take my medications. I was still not talking. It took another 8 months before I was admitted into another hospital, UCI. It was the longest I've ever stayed away from home. I was there for around 2 and a half months. I remember one night when I was the only one there, watching Eternals with the one of the nurses.

I left UCI, about 2 and a half months later and I slowly started to get better. It took me a whole year to recover and go somewhat back to my pre-episodic self. After that, life did get somewhat better.

To put into perspective, my family is Asian American, so one of the first things my mom thought happened to me was that a ghost possessed me. This has happened before, with one of my aunts, so they were terrified. I don't blame them for what they did. I'm actually really grateful. Honestly children's hospitals aren't so bad as the adult ones, in my opinion. I'm not glad I had those experiences, but without them, I'd still be bearing the weight of mental illness. Only these past few years have I realized how brave my parents and I were.

I'm older now and still learning about the stigma with mental illness. I never met anyone who looked like me who had schizophrenia, the depiction of crazy in movies and the thoughts of people who don't really understand the illness nor want to.

But that's why stories are important. Whether or not you have schizophrenia, or you have a loved one with the illness, or are just curious, this site is for you. Stories are important. Perspectives are important.

Psychotic Perspectives